Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

Today came some very bad news for some friends.

I have been friends with the male half of this couple since I was a teenager. We grew up together, shared hopes and dreams. We even went to a high school formal together.

His wedding was one of the first we went to, we've travelled together, eaten together and they were around during the first few months of our son's life.

It seems like just yesterday when they announced they were expecting their first child - so pleased were they with their news. Like us, they had very few problems falling pregnant and the pregnancy seemed to go along with few complications.

Just last week she vented to friends the horror that is a trip to Ikea when in the last trimester of pregnancy (or ever - if we're being truthful). The baby shower was planned, the new house finished so finally space away from the in-laws.

Just when it seemed that everything was on track - things started to fall apart.

Today, news that their unborn child has an aggressive brain tumour with a poor prognosis turned joy to heartbreak.

To hear that heartbreak from my friend, his hopes and dreams for his first son brought me to tears.

As I sit here cradling my 20 week belly tears running down my face I am grateful for my health and that of my unborn son.

I feel emotion so strong for a loss I can't bare to understand.

I feel the grief and pain that no parent should suffer.

I hope that my own growing foetus does not bring more pain to my friends to grieve for what could have been, but never was.

Soon I will be angry - for those parents who abuse their children, who neglect them, who seem to not appreciate the good they have.

But for now I grieve for my friends, and pray that they find the strength from each other, from family and from friends to get through this together.

Public hospital care, babymoon booked and getting older....

Dramas all around, so much has happened in the past 10 days (has it only been that long??).

Lots of the drama have left me hormonal and in tears but I think that's passed... so here goes.

Firstly - and I should be upfront about this.

I have an ideological objection to the private health system.

I am a believer that our public health system should be universal and second to none, and that people opting out of the system sends a message to government that "It's OK" to expect people to pay. I, for one (and I know I'm not the only one) would be more than happy to pay more tax for a better health care system. But it won't happen if people just opt out. So, this is primarily the reason for our choice of the public health care system.

But enough ranting and back to my story.

But first some history...

When our son was born I was fortunate enough to be accepted into the "Group Midwifery Program" at our local public hospital. The program meant that I was allocated my own midwife who had responsibility for my antenatal care, primary responsibility for my delivery and then my post natal care. The midwife I had was wonderful - my husband and I developed a relationship with her and I was able to call her at any time during my pregnancy with questions about my health or concerns.

There were some complications with the delivery of my son (you may choose not to read the gory details, if so skip to the next paragraph) - my labour failed to progress, he was posterior which meant I couldn't sit or lie down at all during the "pre labour" (which btw, lasted for 12 hours and they don't count as time in labour!). I ended up having an epidural, a forceps delivery and 3rd degree tears as well as damage to my coccyx. Recovery was 13 weeks (until I could sit without a foam pad).

Given these complications I was advised by the good doctors who helped with the delivery that unless I wanted to have more than 4 children (are you kidding - after that experience!), another natural delivery was too risky. My midwife and I discussed what my options might be and she suggested that I call her to talk further before we started trying for our 2nd child. Unfortunately by this stage (18 months later) she'd moved on and so it was to another midwife that I spoke. She was unfamiliar with the complications I'd experienced but nevertheless spoke to the doctor who overseas the program about my options. I was serious overjoyed when she came back and told me that due to "continuity of care" there shouldn't be any problems with me going back through the program with baby 2 even though we knew I was to have a "planned caesarean" (a term I dislike btw).

So now you're up to date with the history...

Everything was going well - or so I thought. I booked into the hospital and had my required appointment with the clinic doctor (2 hours of waiting later - I keep reminding myself of my ideology!!). She was less than useful. She hadn't looked at my file and after listening to my lay person version of events assured me that I could have a natural birth. I nearly had a fit, well no, actually I nearly burst into tears. I asked her if she'd read my file and she said no, and I said that with all due respect until she had read it and understood the risks that the OBs who delivered my son had outlined I wasn't going to be taking any of her advice. When said that I had to continue seeing the docs at the clinic and couldn't see the midwives (btw, NOTHING she did at that appointment couldn't have been done by one of the midwives), tears again threatened to overwhelm me. I said that I wasn't prepared to come back and wait 2 hours for an appointment each time I had to have an appointment - at which point she wavered and said I could see the midwives except for 2 appointments, one at 28 week and one at 36. Because she explained condescendingly that midwives weren't able to book me in for a caesarean (really??!!).

I then got a call from the midwife who was assigned to me who said that because of my history she couldn't commit to take me on until she'd cleared it with the doctor that runs their unit. I was OK with this phone call because I'd already done my homework and was reasonably sure that there wouldn't be any problems...

A week later the midwife called me back.

"I've got bad news" she said.

My heart sank.

Tears welled up in my eyes.

"The doctor has looked at your file and there are just too many 'No's and not enough 'yes's" she said.

I was a blubbering mess.

I couldn't cope with going to see different clinic doctors or midwives at each appointment. I did everything right, everything that they told me.

"What about continuity of care?" I asked (well if you can call it that when I'm struggling to keep my composure and have tears running down my face).

"I'm sorry, it wasn't my decision and there's nothing I can do".

I hung up the phone and burst into tears. Master 2 had no idea what was going on... "Mummy's cwrying" he observes, "Mummy's sad".

I was devastated.
I cried for a while until I felt like I could have a conversation and then called my mum.

I asked her to come over and keep me company and to help me with Master 2 who was at his usual 4pm worst with far too much energy and pulling things apart. I called hubby who I knew was in a meeting and left a teary message asking him to come home.

My mum asked me if this meant I'd consider going private (she's a great fan of the private system and was unimpressed at my choice to go public - both times) and if not was it because of the cost. Look, it's not cheap but if we wanted to go private we could - but I'm due at the beginning of January (when lots of people are on holiday) and regardless anyone who was any good wouldn't have any availability...

But again, that's not the point.

I don't believe in private health care.

I keep reminding myself why when I could have saved myself some heartbreak....

I suppose lots of things about this situation upset me. And the pregnancy hormones aren't helping (yes, a stray tear escaped while writing this down as I re-live the heartbreak).

It's that we made certain decisions based on information that wasn't accurate (like if we *were* going to go private we'd have gotten the top level health insurance before we gave up the contraception).

I had such a great experience with my first pregnancy and delivery that I hadn't even considered other options and had my heart set on this one...

And of course, the lack of control and input into this decision.

But I found that out just after I wrote my last post and I'm feeling a bit better about it all now. My GP (who bulk bills) is registered for "shared care" at the local hospital which means I can go and see him instead of going to the hospital. I still have to see a clinic doc at 28 and 36 weeks but I would have had to do that even if I *had* been accepted into the program I wanted. I have a strategy for those appointments that should mean I don't have a 2 hour wait. My GP is very good at keeping close to time and his office hours are much more flexible than the clinic hours at the hospital. He knows me and my family so I'll have continuity of care. And I'll still have the option of using the early discharge program (3 days after caesarean) and having some home post natal care if we want it.

It's not what I wanted or had planned but it's not the end of the world.

Other news.

We've booked our "Babymoon + toddler" and we're going to Vanuatu for 4 nights in early September which should be lovely. Not the cheap holiday we'd been talking about but probably just what we need. Planning to keep a toddler amused during a 3 hour plane ride will be challenging but I'm sure we'll get there.

And I had a birthday. Nothing eventful but got a lovely gift from hubby. The entire series of "The West Wing" on DVD, 154 episodes - enough to have me watching stuff I enjoy while breastfeeding bub no 2.

Oh yeah. Scan no 2. Baby has all limbs and fingers and internal organs. Is now due 2 days earlier than first anticipated...

and

We're having another boy!


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Week 17 - and growing..

I'm settling into this pregnancy now - back pain and all.

A few months ago (OK, maybe closer to 6) hubby went out and bought a Wii (for me, he says). He reckons that I'll be able to use it while I'm breastfeeding child 2 (this was before I was even pregnant mind you). This he thinks will keep me amused instead of having to record a whole lot of stuff on TV to watch. We'd been tossing up buying a Wii Fit, but I didn't really want to spend the money... A few weeks ago I walked past a shop that was having a sale and it was $50 cheaper than anywhere else I have seen, so I gave in and bought one.

It wasn't until last weekend though that I actually bothered to set it up, and I have made an amazing discovery! It seems that using the Wii Fit is helping my back pain - which sort of makes sense in a strange type of way. After all I'm not supposed to be using it for aerobic exercise but there are a whole range of balance games that seem to help keep my spine in alignment. The real test will be when I see my physio next weekend and how much difference it's made to my spinal alignment, but in the meantime if it keeps the pain to a minimum then why not. My challenge is to try and use it for 30 mins each day. This week I've managed it on days that I don't work, but the other days not at all. I'm too tired or sore by the time I get home and Master 2 is in bed to be able to have a go.

In other news a very good friend of mine has also announced that she is pregnant (actually 2 have in the past couple of weeks if I'm to be accurate). The best news is that she and her hubby are so excited, and there are only a couple of weeks between our due dates, so we're going to be off on maternity leave together.... I can't wait! It was almost embarrassing how excited I was when I heard the news. What can I say - I'm a big dag!

So at week 17 (almost 18) my tummy is getting bigger - I can still (just) get away with wearing non maternity clothing and if I'm wearing certain clothes and don't stand up straight you still can't tell I'm up the duff. The one day of the week I make sure I look VERY pregnant is the day that Master 2 stays with Nanna and Grandad and I have to get a bus to and from work. They are sometimes crowded and in the mornings in particular if I don't get to sit down, fainting is a very distinct possibility!

.... 'til next time.

Dining out with a toddler

Yesterday we decided that we weren't going to cook dinner. Hubby suggested take away but I wanted to go out as I'd just cleaned the kitchen and didn't want to clean up again.

I had a function on at one of the organisations I'm involved with - someone talking about Asylum Seekers and the global issue of refugees. So I had to be someone by 7.30pm...

I was reminded of the last time we went out for dinner with Master 2. Lovely Indian restaurant with the 3 of us and my mother - small monster tearing the restaurant apart and having tantrum after tantrum and refusing to eat. "Are you sure you want to go out with him???"

"yeah, it's a kid friendly restaurant - they give the kids pizza dough to play with and it's early. We'll be OK"

I was to be reminded of this comment time and time again last night.

So it's about 5.45pm and I call the local pizza place to make sure they are open - table for 3 in 15 mins... no worries. It's more like 30mins by the time we get up there.

We arrive, only to discover that we've been beaten there by a party of 20 teenagers accompanied by father/scout leader/coach or the like who had the attention of the only waiter and couldn't decide what to order. It took us about 10 mins to get a menu and at that point the waiter asked if Master 2 wanted some pizza dough to play with. "Yes, please" was our response as we then put in our order asking for Master 2's pizza to come first as an entrée.

10 mins later the teenager's entrée arrives. A good sign I feel as we ordered straight after them that Master 2's pizza wasn't far away. Another 5 mins passed by, the kitchen was incredibly busy with take away but still no sign of promised pizza dough. I asked the waiter if he could have it and she said "sure".

Master 2 is getting a little tired of playing with trains and hubby says "I did tell you this would happen" reminder no 1.

15 mins later (we'd been sitting there for 40 mins by now) and still no sign of the pizza dough. Master 2 has been drinking water out of a big glass, begging for some of "Mummy's drink" and playing with his little train and plane that we brought along to keep him amused, but his patience is wearing thin. Hubby asks a different staff member again for the pizza dough and it finally arrives.

Too late it seems to keep our boy amused. "Pizza, Pizza" he yells (literally) and we get filthy looks from someone at the take away counter. By this point we'd been in the restaurant 45 mins, and I don't care how long or how loud he yells, the teenagers have all finished their entree and still no sign of Master 2's food. It's 7pm and WAY past his dinner time.

Reminder 2 - "who was right?, I did tell you this would happen"...

I ask about his pizza and the owner says "Sorry about that, we were going to ask the waiter to apologise, it's just gone in, should be done in 5 mins". He says he's working on our pizza's now (45 mins after we've arrived - and we didn't order entrees), I told him that we could cope but it's a bit hard to explain to a 2 year old.

Finally the much anticipated margherita pizza arrives - too hot to eat and Master 2 gets his food.

The teenagers get their mains and the owner indicates that our pizza is on the way as well.

Then the waiter comes over with 2 medium pizzas - and explains that the kitchen made a mistake and that instead of making hubby's pizza with the 2 extra ingredients he's added to a meat lovers - they made him 2 pizzas. One plain meat lovers, and the other pizza just with the 2 extra ingredients. But that of course they wouldn't charge us for the second pizza. They had also forgotten to make my pizza.

By this point it was 20 mins from the start time of my function, so I told the waiter to tell the kitchen that if they hadn't made my pizza not to bother cause I had somewhere to be and couldn't wait. She offers to make me a salad, but I just eat a couple of pieces of margherita and we get the 2 other pizza's boxed up.

Hubby takes Master 2 to the car and I wait (quite patiently given all that's happened) at the til to pay our bill.

It's 7.25pm. My function starts at 7.30pm.

Finally one of the staff members tells me that my pizza is in the oven and will be ready in a minute if I can wait they will box it for me - and they aren't going to charge us for our meal "not at all?"
"no"

I'm pleasantly surprised - for the first time that night.

The pizza's are boxed and I take them to the car - drop hubby and master 2 at home then drive like a maniac to get to the function. I arrive 10 mins late. The gates are about to be closed - I'm lucky to make it.

The function was great. I had some food in my tummy and don't need to worry about cooking tomorrow night.

I think that Master 2 was very well behaved given the circumstances.

Despite odd looks from hubby, I'm determined to try eating out with him again. Not sure about the restaurant - do we go back?

That's still up for discussion.

Today is a holiday for me, our union picnic day.

Master 2 is at day care, hubby is at work. A rare day of indulgence.

I go out for lunch with my Mum, do some window shopping, and get my hair cut. Lovely.

I'm off to Adelaide for work for a couple of days. I have time to pack my bag in peace before I pick Master 2 up from daycare.

The best thing is that my regular day off is mid week, but I'll be in Adelaide, so I get Friday off as well. Another child and hubby free day - what to do???

Any ideas welcome.